FullMetal Alchemist Bloopers!
by Warrior Dae
Summary: We've all seen what goes on on the screen, but what about when the camera's not rolling? Well these FMA bloopers will show you the funny things that happen behind the sceans. Witten by me and Shiro okibi okami.
1. Door to Door

Attempt 1

_Knock, knock, knock_

"Huh?" someone opened the door, and saw a tan man, with red eyes

"Oh......um, can I help you?" the person asked innocently

"I am on a mission from God to-"Scar began

"Are you one of those religious people who go from door to door, asking people to join their church?" the man narrowed his eyes at Scar

"As I said," Scar gritted his teeth "I am a messenger from God, and I have been sent to deliver His message. The Holy Lord wishes that you join our cause and-"

"No thanks." the guy shrugged "I don't have time to attend a service, or go to church, but my n-"

_**SPLAT!!!!!!!!**_

The man fell to the ground, his brains blown out of his skull.

_Okay, this time I won't blow their brains out., Scar_ thought, then knocked on the door

It was opened by a teen with long brown hair and brown eyes

"Hey Scar." she said casually "You on your mission from Ishvala to convert people to your religion? "

"...........Do I know you?"

"Of course, I tried to kill you with a Telatuby last week."

"What?"

"Nothing."

".....Um, okay." he said, slightly unnerved "I am here on a mission from God to-"

"Shine the Holy light, and show me the truth of life by asking me to join the Ishvalan church of Ishvala."

"How did you know I was going to say that?" Scar asked, freaked out

"Because I control your life." she answered simply

"Who are you?" Scar asked

"I am......YO MAMA!!!!!!!" she slammed the door in his face, and laughter could be heard on the other side of the door, followed by

"Did you get it on camera?"

"Yeah."

"Good, this'll be a hit on Youtube."

"And Google Video."

"Yeah..........yo mama, god that was priceless."

Scar dragged his feet, and then flopped down on the couch in General Elric's office.

Ed glanced up from some paperwork "Try not to get blood on the couch."

Scar mumbled something into the pillow

At that moment Lust came in.

"Had a rough day?" she asked Scar

"Yeah, people aren't as religious as they used to be." Scar sighed, and Ed snorted

"Yeah, well people don't have time to be religious, much less believe in your non-existent god."

"What. Did. You. Say?" Scar asked through gritted teeth

"You heard me, I know your not deaf."

"Just ignore him, honey. Its just you and me." Lust cut in, and then they started having one of their famous make-out sessions, which when you thought about it, it looked like Lust was trying to-

"Get out of my office now, and Lust, pleasejust..............get out."

The two were kicked out of the General's office, and Scar sighed, then he realized something

"I guess people just don't want to worship Ishvala because their too racist. Same reason why Edward kicked me out of his office, and belittles my God."

Though Lust seriously doubted that was the real reason, she just smiled and said "Yes, honey."

Humans could be so funny and confusing sometimes.


	2. Telatuby Invasion!

Invasion of the Telatuby's!

"........So....."Winry said, bored"........"

"Well, I'm bored-there's nothing to do." Ed complained

"We could watch your girlfriend beat you with a wrench." Roy suggested, leaning against a wall.

Ed, Winry, Al, Roy, Riza, Scar, and the rest of team Mustang were all in Lior, just hanging out...doing nothing.

"OMG,I FOUND YOU!!!!!!!!!!!" someone screamed, and all heads turned towards the girl from the previous chapter, and the other girl.

They ran up to them, and then the girl with longer hair started talking rapidly, and jumping up and down

"OMGICANTBELIVETHATWEFOUNDYOUANDOMGIMSOEXCITEDANDOMGI-"

"Shut up!" the other girl kicked the one with longer hair in the shins

"Ow." she winced, and stopped jumping

"We have to introduce ourselves." the one with short hair said "I'm Dae, and she's Hal."

"And why are you telling us this?" Winry asked, looking at them weird

"Because.........your part of a story on , and as we speak I am typing your demise." Hal explained

"WHAT??????!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Nothing. I said nothing." Hal stated calmly.

"Anyway, is everyone here?" Dae asked

"No, we're missing all the homunculus, Kimblee, Archer, the book worm, Maes, um......I think that's all."

"Okay, then get them here."

**POP!!!**

Suddenly the said characters appeared, from nowhere.

"What the.........."Ed looked at a confused Wrath

"Where am I?" Envy asked, looking around

"Okay, Envy, Wrath, Ed, and Al, line up in this order: Envy, Ed, Al, Wrath."

"Why?" they asked in unison

"DO AS I SAY,OR I'LL HIT YOU WITH A TELATUBY!!!!!!" Hal yelled, pulling out a green Telatuby, and holding it up above her head.

They scrambled together, and lined up in order.

Hal took a picture, then put away the camera, and turned to Dae.

"Its time for the invasion."

"It is? Hm, I wanted to make fun of Envy's cross-dressing."

"Okay-HEY ENVY,DAE THINKS YOU CROSS-DRESS WITH A PALM TREE,AND YOU LOOK LIKE A GIRL!!!"

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU" Envy screamed, and the girls ran off scared

"OH,WHAT NOW-what's that?" Envy looked up and pointed at the sky, which was rapidly growing darker

"OMG-ITS THE INVASION OF THE SPECIAL EDITION UFO TELATUBY'S!!!!!!!!!!!THIS IS JUST LIKE MY BROTHER PREDICTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Scar screamed, and ran off yelling something about cake.

"Wtf?!" Roy looked and the crazy Ishbalan, then back to the sky to see-

"OMFG!!!!!!HE WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And afterwards Hal and Dae found the survivors, which consisted of main characters, and likeable characters........and this time Archer died, and Tucker chocked on dog food.

__

Disclaimer: Sorry, I forgot to put this up on the last chapter, but we do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.. unfortunately.


	3. Love at first sight?

**Disclaimer: I** obviously don't own FMA.................or a car.

**A/N: **Thank you to Plumalchemyst, XoXoXKaylaIsRawrXoXoX, and Dontmezwitme for reviewing!

And no, there will be no yaoi, but a little bit of um.....unstraightness in this Chappy, but just for a humorous effect, and its not _really_ noticeable. You'll understand if you read. Oh, and my new user name is Kendai-chan.

And............I think that's it. So, on with the story! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! FRIEDSHRIMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next up! Trisha and Hohenheim!

Hohenheim walked along happily, holding flowers in his hand as he walked to the apartment that his love, Dante, and he shared.

"Dante, love, I'm ho-OH MY F****** GAWD!!!!!!!!!!WHAT THE F*** IS GOING ON????????" he screamed, as he saw Dante in bed........with another woman.

"Oh, hello love. Care to join me for a threesome?"

Hohenheim stood there speechless, and then he left, never to return again.

So in the end, Hohenheim didn't cheat(first)it was Dante.

And so, the rest of our story picks up 400 years later-when Hohenheim first met Trisha..........

It all started in a grocery store.

Hohenheim was strolling down an aisle, when he saw the woman of his dreams, looking at a banana.

He walked up to her, and was about to praise her for her good looks, when he remembered Dante, so instead he asked Trisha this:

"Are you bisexual?"

"WHAT THE FREAK??????????" Trisha whipped around, to come face to face with a-

"HOBO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed, then whacked him with a banana" TAKE THIS YOU MOLESTING STREET THUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

One hour later...............

Hohenheim hobbled out of the store, sore all over.

_Man, she's got a temper........but she's so beautiful, and I've fallen in love with her....I'll just have to woo her, and avoid that question............_,Hohenheim was confident of this, and the next day he found her.

"Hello Trisha, I-"

"Your that hobo from yesterday." she narrowed her eyes at him.

"Well, err, I'm not a hobo-"

"LIES,ALL HORRIBLE LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".

Then Trisha grabbed his arm, and flung him over her head, and repeated this process, all while saying:

"..HOBOHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"she screamed, and kept beating him up(which is saying something since he's so fricking' tall! Gawd, he's like a fricking' giant!).

Finally, Trisha stopped, panting and out of breath, then she pulled out a tuna. Yes, she pulled out a live tuna fish...from her purse.

And then beat Hohenheim with it.

"And then, we looked in each other's and-"

"HOHENHEIM ELRIC!!!YOU ARE _**NOT**_ TELLING OUR SONS THOSE LIES ABOUT WHEN WE FIRST MET,ARE YOU???????????" Trisha came in, mad as hell

"Oooo!!! Daddy's in trouble!!!" a four year-old Ed giggled

"Um, honey! Hehe.......um, no of course no-"

"Ed, was your father lying again?" Trisha asked her son

"Yep!" Ed grinned evilly

"Edward! You know I'm not lying-"

"Mommy told me what _really_ happened. And you do dress kinda like a hobo. And ya smell like one too."

"HOW COULD MY ONLY CHILD-"

"Ahem." Al pouted in the corner, then threw a Telatuby at Hohenheim, which stunned him, then Trisha tied him up.

"Wh-where am I?" Hohenheim blinked, then realized that he was blindfolded

"What's going on?!" he then realized that he was tied up, and hanging upside down by his ankles.

He wondered what was happening, when all of a sudden, he was hit with a-

"Good one Mom!" Ed cheered as his mother hit Hohenheim, who was their "piñata".

Trisha took off the blindfold, then took off her husband's

She smiled sweetly at him" Having fun honey? Oh, and Ed's next."

Hohenheim's eyes widened as Ed grinned evilly, and grabbed a tuna..............

Hal: Good thing Hohenheim's immortal-

Dae: *whispers*

What?! He's not?! Oh well........this is just a story after all............in which he suffers greatly!


	4. Behind Closed Doors

Winry was doing a quick check-up on Ed's automail.

She got up, and walked to the other side of the room, to get a wrench(no, not to hit Ed with),but she tripped on something.

"Hey Winry, are you okay?" Edward asked, concerned

"Yeah......I should clean this place up." Winry muttered the last part, but none the less, Ed heard her and rolled his eyes.

Winry saw this, and threw her wrench at him

"OW!!!" he glared at her, and rubbed his head.

"That's what you get!"

"Whatever! Just get over here, and finish your check up!"

"I can't."

"Why?"

"I-I can't" she grunted, tugging at her leg

"Wha-"

"Damnit, I'm stuck!"

Havoc, Falman, Fuery, Breda, Riza, and Roy were walking past the room where Winry and Ed were, when they heard something.

"What was that?" Breda asked, looking at the door

"Damnit, I'm stuck!"

"What was that?"

"I don't know." Havoc stopped, and leaned against the door

"What? How can you be stuck?"

"I don't know-I just am!"

"The get un-stuck!"

"What the hell?! I can't do that! I already tried."

"Fine. I'll help you."

"..."

"Okay, now I'm gonna try an pull out okay?"

"Okay."

"One, two, three!"

"OW!!! Stop!!!"

"...Sorry, are you okay?"

"Yeah, it only hurts a little."

"Are you sure, we could-"

"No, I'll be fine. We just have to keep trying."

"Okay.......how did it get stuck in the first place?"

"....Um..............how would I know?"

"Okay, lets try again, and this time you'll have to actually do something."

"Shut up.".

By now, all of Team Mustang was listening, and Al, Lieutenant Ross, her partner, Hohenheim, Scar, Armstrong, Archer, Kimblee, and Envy.

"Are they......."Envy couldn't believe it

"N-no! Brother isn't like that!" Al trembled, unable to imagine his brother and Winry doing IT

"Damn, I have to give Fullmetal credit. Heh, who would ever suspect them doing that during a simple automail check-up." Roy smirked

"But their only children!" Ross gasped

"Well, it looks like I'll have to, err...assert my fatherly authority on my son."

"Okay, so we break the door down on three."

"One, two, thr-"

"God, its really stuck, isn't it?"

"Uh-huh. I already figured that out Ed." Winry said sarcastically, as Ed tried to get her leg out from under the bed.

"Oh, wait! Okay, I know how to-"

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!".

Suddenly a bunch of people spilled through the door way, and dragged Ed away from Winry

"What the hell is going on?!" Ed glared at everyone

"We know what you two were doing." Roy said

"Yes, Edward. Shame on you for doing such a thing!" Hohenheim scolded

"Brother, how could you?????????" Ed wailed

"WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU ALL TALKING ABOUT???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Edward roared

"You know! You and Winry were having' sex!" Kimblee accused

"WHAT???????????????" both teens turned beet red

"What gave you that idea?!" Winry blushed

"Well, you were saying stuff like 'I'm stuck' and other stuff that just sounded-"

"Oh that? Well Winry got her leg stuck under the bed." Ed explained, and they all turned to Winry

"Oh." everyone said in unison, then felt quite stupid.

After they got Winry out, and after everyone left, Winry finished her check-up on Ed's automail.

"So, Ed-"

"Don't worry Winry, they'll never know." Ed smirked


	5. Life Alert

Okay, the idea from this Chappy came from wallibe. I was reading his/her FanFic, and thought the idea was hilarious, so I couldn't help but use it in one of our bloopers.

Edward trying to block out his brother's nagging, but it did no good.

"Come on brother, its dad's birthday and you have to get him a pre-"

"NO!!!" the older Elric snapped

"Yes! I'm getting him-"

"Al, don't waste your money on that bastard! He's way to fricking' old to have a birthday anyway, should be in his grave." Ed growled

"But brother!"

"N-"suddenly Ed got an evil idea. He couldn't pass up a golden opportunity like this, could he? No

"Okay Al, I'll get him a gift."

"Brother?" Al saw the evil glint in his eyes, and new this could not end well.

**The night of the party.........**

The party was being held at Central HQ, since Hal and Dae thought a little setting change would be nice.

"Damn, Ed. You really got a good present for him." Hal giggled, as she glanced over at Hohenheim, who was chatting with Roy and Riza

"God, this is gonna be hilarious. Too bad Trisha wasn't here though. Hey, speaking of Trish, where is she anyway?" Dae asked as she looked around

"She stayed at home, saying that he was too old for birthdays." Ed said as he glanced at his father

"Well, she's right." Hal nodded as she took a sip of her Pepsi

"So.......then why'd she send him a present?" Dae asked, looking over at the huge pile of presents, one with Trisha's name on it(you could tell it was from her......because it had her name all over it in big bold red words)

"Oh........well, she got him a _special_ present." Ed smirked.

Soon, it was time to open presents, and when Hohenheim got to Trisha's he looked at it carefully, then opened it.

It was a tuna. A LIVE tuna. The tuna jumped up, hit Hohenheim in the face, and flopped out the door.

Finally, Hohenheim got to the last present which was from our favorite golden-eyed blonde.

"Edward! I didn't think you'd come, much less buy me a present." Hohenheim smiled at his son, and Ed just growled, and muttered something.

Hohenheim smiled despite his son's embarrassment. Teenagers.

He opened the small box and found-

"Life Alert!?" Hohenheim looked shocked, then angry when everyone started laughing

"Edward!" Hohenheim saw Ed holding a video camera, recording the whole thing. Hohenheim twitched, and was about to transmutation some light, when one of the girls, Hal, yelled

"MAGICAUTHORESSPOWERSACTIVATE!!!"and, then a green beam of light picked them up.

Everyone looked at the sky, and saw a Special Edition Telatuby UFO picking up the trio, and they all screamed, and ran away, while Scar yelled something about cake.

"OMG, that's hilarious!" Trisha gasped as she watched the video of Hohenheim's birthday.

Ed smirked, and looked over at Dae and Hal, who were muttering something about "Youtube".

What odd girls.


	6. Retirment home

Okay, before I start the chapter, I would like to say a few things, such as: 

REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**WE NEED MORE REVIEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH TO REVIEW!!!!!*oh and don't flame, but constructive critism is welcome***

Make requests for a chapter in your review, and we'll try to make it happen. We've already got ideas for future chapters, though it'd be nice to have some different ideas. All we need is a plot, so get to reviewing at the end of this Chappy.

Um........I think that's it, so I'll shut up now

Dae: Finally!

Hal: No one asked you...or the Telatuby

Hohenheim Elric was at the library, looking at old dusty volumes from his time, marveling at their beauty and context when Edward came up to him...and hit him with a Telatuby.

Stunned, Hohenheim fell to the floor, and Ed dragged him out, making it as painful for "that half-assed bastard" as he could.

Once they were outside, and Hohenheim had come to his senses, he got up

".........Did you hit me with a Telatuby?"

"No. It was the Special Edition Tuna Telatuby."

"...........What difference does it make?"

"Its not a Telatuby. Its a Telatuby crossed with a tuna, kind of like a chimera."

"Okay............So why did you-"

"Listen, we need to talk."

"About what? Your love life? Or is this about when you raped Win-"

"First of all, I DIDN'T RAPE HER!!! And second, no, it has nothing really to do with me. Just you."

"Wha-"

"Me, mom, and Al have all been talking and, well we've decided."

"Decided wha-"

"We've decided to put you in a retirement home."

"What?! Edward, listen, I know you thought it was funny to give me a Life Alert, and then a senior discount, though the coffin and gravestone weren't funny, but this is going a bit overboard don't you think?"

"Um....................What?" As is the tendency of most teens, they don't listen to their parents, or what old people have to say. They mostly think about sex, drugs, and having fun. In Ed's case it was Winry. In bed. Not wearing anything...............yeah, we'll just leave it at that.

"We've made up our minds, there's no changing them." Edward said firmly, then grabbed a net, and threw it over Hohenheim.

"WTF?"

"Because your to tall...........WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT HE HAS TO LOOK UP TO MIDGETS???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Edward, I didn't say th-"Hohenheim never got a chance to finish, because at that moment he was whacked by a tuna. The last thing he heard was his wife's evil laughter, accompanied by Ed's.

"Mm........where am I?" Hohenheim asked, then tried to get up, but found that he was bound to a wheelchair.

"What?! What's going on?!" he panicked, but then saw a young nurse. She had a food tray, and turned and smiled at him

"Hello Mister Elric! Its good to see that your awake today! Here, lets get you some food." she picked up a spoon of mashed, bland looking food, and made whooshing noises and said" Here comes the airplane! Whoosh! Whoosh!"

Hohenheim stared blankly at her for a moment, before struggling as hard as he could, and screaming too.

The nurse frowned, and injected him with a needle before giggling and saying" Sweet dreams."

Hohenheim blinked, and woke up yet again. He looked around, and saw elderly folk, scattered around a room. Some were watching TV, while others sat and looked outside the window. Thankfully, there was a self of books. Hohenheim got up, and walked over to the shelf, and plucked a book off the top with ease.

One Hundred and One Ways to Cope with getting Old

He put that one back, and grabbed another one

Fortune Telling in Face Wrinkles

He put that one back, now irritated, and reached for another

Telling Old Age Who's the Boss

Frantically, he put that one back, and grabbed another

You: Volume 1

Are: Volume 2

Old: Volume 3(special edition: you are VERY old)

Hohenheim felt like screaming, until he saw a book, that was familiar.

It read: Alchemy: A Basic Guide

Hohenheim felt comforted buy its presence and was about to reach for it when one of the oldest looking people he had ever seen came up to him.

"Tat' ter book's oler 'an maysilf!"

Translation: "That book's older than myself!"

Hohenheim, frightened, looked at the book in horror, and realized why it was so familiar.

He was the author of the book. He had written it, centuries before.

"H-how o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o- elderly are you?!" he stuttered

"Elve! Ut' ol' ta' nuses 'an otows ay' m'...uh...out' oo huned!"

Translation: "Twelve! But all the nurses and doctors say I'm...uh...about two hundred!"

Hohenheim looked at the person in horror, and realized two things

1. He was smaller then Ed

2. He couldn't even distinguish the gender

Hohenheim ran outside of the room, and desperately tried to open a door, then a window, but to no avail.

"LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!I DON'T BELONG HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Of course you do. "Hohenheim turned around, and froze in horror when he saw Dante.......who was in her old body.

"Come here and give me a big kiss!"

"NO!!!!!!!!!!!"

Dante lunged at him, but burst into flames and fell to the floor.

Hohenheim looked up, and saw Trisha and Edward.

"You saved me! You came back-"

"To make the long story short, we decided that life without torturing you isn't really a life at all......and we need you for the next chapter."

"Really?"

"No, Dae and Hal just decided that we should come and get you, even though it was funny to see you freak out."

"......."

"Oh, and everyone here was just a professional actor, and this was just a big joke."

"......Even D-"

"No, we don't know how she got in here though......"Trisha trailed off, then said "Oh, and this is just a dream, and you have to wake up."

"What?"

"HEY OLD MAN,WAKE THE F*** UP!!!!!!!!" suddenly Hohenheim felt pain in his side, and blinked rapidly

"Edward? Wha-"

"Damnit I thought you'd never wake up. "Ed glared at his father

"What? So it was really just a dream?! YAY!!!" Hohenheim got up and started dancing, while Ed was slightly disturbed, and frightened by his father's sudden change of emotions

_WTF?! Is he having a mood swing?........whatever, it doesn't matter, Ed_ thought, then cleared his throat to get Hohenheim's attention.

Hohenheim stopped, and turned his attention to his eldest son.

"Well, me and mom have been talking, and we've decided to put you in a retirement-"

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"Hohenheim screamed, before running off, leaving a slightly scared Ed.

Trisha stepped out of the shadows.

"He doesn't know it wasn't a dream, does he?"

"Nope."


End file.
